Announcement: I'm moving in with my boyfriend this June. It's a big deal and we're thrilled--and so is everyone else. A handful of people have had what I refer to as the 'Aunt Edna response.' Remember the original Vacation movie? Aunt Edna is a long lost Griswold relative who deep down loves the Clark, but has a funny way of showing it--that, is the sentiment I'm referring to. It's hysterical, actually. I'll give you an example:
Naturally, the 'how long have you been dating again?' question is asked when sharing this type of news; to which I always very calmly reply 'almost 7 years.' Insert facial distort so immediate it's like I just dumped a giant pixie stick in their mouth. Call me old-fashioned, but 'Jesus, it's about time!' wasn't exactly the phrase I envisioned crocheted on the housewarming throw pillow for our new couch. I mean, sure; glaciers move faster. But that's just the way we both are, and it hasn't failed us yet. At that point I usually follow-up with saying I'm getting my doctorate in dating; the other PhD. That usually either gets me a smile, or a concerned grimace; I'm happy with either one. Teeth=winning.
So, true to form, we approached the condo search process in a very deliberate, methodical manner--kind of like dipping your toe into a pool to test and get used to the temperature before slowly easing your way in--also known as boring. There was no way we were going to even look at the first one that matched our search; in fact, the first 50 we viewed were thrown out the window (so to speak).
The obvious expectation that this process was going to be a big boy undertaking was met the second we started. Laughter is always a critical tool in the face of imminent chaos; thus, this list was born.
How to Lose a Lessee in 5 Ways:
1. Don't include any photos
Remember back when people used to buy property like they were going on a blind date? You don't? That's because it's never happened. Get it together; this isn't a restaurant menu where flowery adjectives are enough to persuade a decision. I would bet that these same people are the one's who have the "?" profile picture on Facebook--turns out, not having a default photo on your profile doesn't lead people to the conclusion that you're mysterious; it convinces them you're a felon.
2. Show photos of only the lobby and common areas
Cut from the same miserable cloth as no photos are the postings that feature the 360 arial view of the building, front desk, a lonely elliptical, and a random Cubs logo. Basically, what you're telling me is that the condo is ugly. Same goes for massive group-shots for Facebook profile pictures; looks like Where's Waldo at Lollapalooza. Might as well just tattoo "unattractive" on your forehead and be done with it.
3. Feature a photo of your Xbox
... goes without saying, but I will anyway. I actually hate this less than most, due to my boyish affinity for Mario Kart; but come on. Try to pretend this isn't the picture you automatically paint in your head: some dude in his underwear yelling at the animated men on a killing spree, volume turned up louder than an Avicii concert and the aftermath of flaming hot cheetos crunched all over the coffee table. I see Xbox photo and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is "this condo has boogers stuck to the wall behind the headboard. no."
4. Show photos of the same room at 40 different angles
Rooms don't model. Tyra Banks isn't going to pop out of the woodwork and tell the room to "sm-eyes" or angle its jawline up to the light to look more couture vs. commercial. Also, this isn't a magic eye; this tactic doesn't create the illusion of more space or total number of rooms. Better luck next time, Criss Angel.
5. Grossly exaggerate proximity to the lakefront
A friend of mine looked at a loft 4 blocks from the United Center--about as "West Loop" as you can get. The owner decided to include multiple photos of the lake, while also exclaiming "FOOTSTEPS FROM THE LAKEFRONT!!!" in the description. 1.) the only thing you're 'footsteps' away from is a diagnosed chemical imbalance and 2). proximity to the lakefront is a non-factor for everyone in Chicago except tourists. It's not going anywhere.
In summation: when listing your condo for rent, remember to be a human being and you'll likely be successful.
Sometimes knowing what you don't want is the best way figure out what you do. And hey, it worked out for Kate Hudson; she got the ending she wanted, too.
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