“Friend” by dictionary definition (noun): A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
“Friend” by today’s colloquial definition: A stranger you met at a bar, someone else’s friend, someone you share a school name with, someone you have 20+ mutual friends with (it’s ok that you’ve never talked before); a location, a building, hotel, vacation destination; celebrities, reality TV stars, sports or news networks, musicians, fashion designers; your second cousin twice removed, a dog you know, your clients, coworkers, and bosses.
Synonyms: Followers; Acquaintances; In-laws.; Business partners; Borderline stalkers; Online Ads; Networkers.
Let me start by saying that I’m a fan of social media; I “like” it (corny pun intended). If my interest level was on a spectrum, I’d fall somewhere between an enthusiast and an addict. If social media was a disease, we’d all be starring in the real life version of the movie Contagion. You get it.
This morning, I woke up to a storage unit facility in the town I grew up in friending me on Facebook because we share 1 mutual friend; a girl I went to high school with. Now, re-read that last sentence and imagine you said it in conversation with your Grandmother; sounds a lot like I just told her I had a threesome last night in a warehouse somewhere in Simsbury, CT. And this is exactly my point.
Between Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, LinkedIn, and Pinterest; the newly defined “friend” is anything but traditional. Take this storage unit facility friendship request; interesting. Are you going to be on the other end of the line when I call you crying because my boyfriend broke up with me? Will you come over for girl’s night, drink wine and watch “Sh*t fashion girls say” on repeat and talk about the Kardashians like they’re our friends who couldn’t make it? Are you going to be the 12:01 AM phone call on my birthday just to be the first one to wish me happy birthday? Sorry, store unit facility, but friendships are a two way street; this isn’t going to work. I’m so sorry… please don’t cry. Oh that’s right, you can’t. You’re a BUILDING.
It gets better.
“To befriend” has been replaced with verbs like “friending,” “following,” “connecting,” and even “re-pinning.” Let’s call a spade a spade; it’s accepted stalking. Feels like an exaggeration? Believe me, I wanted it to be; but our social behavior doesn’t lie. Collectively, we are strategic with whom, how, and why we choose our “friends;” usually driven by a hidden motive (Examples):
Facebook friend request from a stranger you met at a bar the night before; subtext: I want to look at your pictures to see if last night was just a combo of good lighting and alcohol. Bathing suit shots are a bonus.
LinkedIn connection; subtext: I want to size you up based on your resume so that I can determine whether or not you’re successful. See how I’m connected to my own clients? Best. Relationship. Ever. We just “get” each other, you wouldn’t understand.
Twitter follower; subtext: You’re clever in 140 characters or less; I’m going to steal your material claim it as my own. Sharing is caring, right?
Foursquare friend; subtext: We have a mutual understanding that we want to know where each other is at every moment, of every day. It’s not weird.
I can’t help it; I go right back to an imagined conversation with my Grandma. This time, let’s say we’re Foursquare friends. Early one morning, she get’s notified that I’ve checked in at “Bar Method” at 6 AM; and genuine panic ensues. The wheels start spinning; for what reason would I be at a “Bar” so early in the morning? Next thing I know, there’s a staged intervention in my apartment when I return that includes friends of my Grandma, the Priest from her church, and an assortment of colorful pamphlets that scream “help is in your hands.” I’m about to hear someone say “when you do this, it makes me feel…” before I’m forced to rip off my jacket, exposing my Lululemon yoga outfit and explain that I was exercising. Amidst the fog of utter confusion, clapping, laugher and lipstick in my doorway, I mumble and apology to the Priest for stripping, and somehow made lunch plans with the “girls” next Sunday. Meanwhile, the reaction stuck on my face can’t decide if I’m more terrified or impressed at how they got into my living room in the first place.
These fake scenarios are what would happen if social media speak turned literal. The point in creating them is not about Grandma; it’s what Grandma represents. A traditional definition when friends were friends; real, breathing, people with feelings you’d have face to face interactions with. They’re still there; and you don’t have 800 of them.
Just like hair care, the rules of friendship are simple and finite when thinking about your friends vs. your “friends.” It’s the same word, with different definitions. And if ever the lines become too obscure, think of my Grandma and her echoing the famous lyrics; “…one is silver and the other is gold;” not “one is silver and the other is the spa you vacationed to.”
